As is becoming usual, I’m late with this update. Nearly a week. It feels more like “late” is the new metaphor for my life. I’m late literally and figuratively to everything now. So many things about me are the past, and I’m consumed by this little guy. Whether it’s the daily duties of being mom (omg the bottle washing!) , or being completely engulfed in snuggles and now giggles and legitimate laughs, I’m behind everything, because I’m trying to keep up with the now and embrace what I can of it.

Each month more of Emmie’s personality emerges, he learns a little more. Everything he can get his baby paws on goes into his mouth. Drool is everywhere. He still hates socks and hats much like last month, too. Firsts are coming quickly, with Ben seeing his first rolls over. As I was letting him chill in his crib I saw him nearly getting from his back to his tummy and cheered him on, calling Ben over, “ooh hunny, look!” to hear in reply, “Oh yeah, he’s been doing that all day.” One, wait, you didn’t tell me that! And two… you didn’t tell me that. This is text message worthy stuff, man! We have a roller on our hands and in just days he’s become a champ.

But at 15 pounds and 11 ounces of pure chubby bunny-ness, I’m more in love with this kid than ever. His sleeping through the night which was a god send is now interrupted at least once a night again, with a need for a cuddle or food. Yeah, yeah I know I shouldn’t pick him up and just soothe him, but at 1:30 in the morning, rationale and a need for sleep overpower any willingness my day-brain would have for sleep training my kid. Plus, it means cuddles. With Ben gone on those nights let’s not pretend like I’m going to be a good parent and follow through with letting him cry it out. Sleep – and my sanity – wins, every time.

We made our first adventure to the aquarium and he was completely mesmerized by the fishes and colors. My joy in seeing him completely entranced by it all was just a “cup overfloweth” moment for me. I came home, hugged him, and cried happy tears. So, if you want to know how I am doing emotionally… there ya go.

And with all the new things coming at him, his newest favorites are bouncing on my knee and putting his feet on the ground to practice standing. He CRACKS up laughing every. single. time. The laughs are the most pure and unadulterated joy you can ever see and it kicks me in the feels every time. I mean, they sound like Uncle Fester laughs, but still.

Momming has been and will, no doubt, continue to be the most challenging, difficult, overwhelming thing I could do, but it is also the single most rewarding for me. Being at work is a blessing and a curse, with this first month back being a mix of relief that I get to have adult conversations again, and also realizing that my radical shift in life and priorities means my tolerance in other areas of work life is equally and oppositely reduced, since I just dream of being home with my kid. It’s a balance that will continue to be hard, but manageable. So long as the grandparents and our friend who all watch him send me regular updates and pictures I will be ok. These are what keep my time away from Emmett tolerable.

But right now I can say my life is exactly how it was always meant to be, with Ben and Emmett in it. How lucky am I for that?

Dirty diapers, endless laundry, and baby laughs and all. It’s perfect.